Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
