some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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