Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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