I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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