I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize