just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
