I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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