wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
