You can't motorboat a personality
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
