Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize