I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
