Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
