i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
