Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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