This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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