There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
