Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize