i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I need to stop coming to work sober
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
