I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
True strength comes from lack of pants
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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