You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Come see our sink grown plant.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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