i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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