laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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