You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
