My liver just broke up with me...
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
