Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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