Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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