onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
