apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
