Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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