my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
