Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
