remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
