YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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