he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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