Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
