I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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