I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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