my text book just quoted the cookie monster
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
