Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
