you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Houston, we have a squirter
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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