how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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