She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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