I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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