I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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