yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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