I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
