I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
