tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
