dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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