i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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