Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
