I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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