ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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