Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She told me I should be a condom model.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
