Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
