Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
