Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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