Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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