So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
