goodnight i made you a song goodbye
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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