I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
