i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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